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Here I am, a mere eight months into raising baby number three, and
I’m constantly discovering new situations that I haven’t experienced with
the other two. You would think that I would have seen it all already, but
that’s not even close to being true. I have experienced new joys in the
form of my baby girl’s silly faces that her sisters never made along with
new doubts in the form of different feeding decisions that I didn’t face
with my big girls.
The current situation that is causing me some angst is whether and when to
wean our baby from breastfeeding. We’ve been nursing exclusively for eight
months and I am now in the middle of a large internal debate with myself.
Breastfeeding is not new to me at all. I nursed both of our older
daughters for more than a year each, without having to give either of them
formula. I was very fortunate that nursing came fairly easy to me and my
babies. Each time, we had a rough start, but after getting through those
first six weeks or so, it became much easier and more convenient. In fact,
with my older two girls, I never even had a problem discretely nursing in
public, as they were eager to eat and weren’t easily distracted.
But every baby is different, and our newest addition in particular is a
curious, impatient, wiggling bundle of energy - all qualities that make it
hard to breastfeed.
I am also working part-time, which I never did when my older two girls
were babies. I have to get to work a half hour early to be able to take a
break in the middle of the morning to pump. The extra time and the stress
of worrying over whether I would be able to get enough milk to replace the
bottle that my baby was getting while I was away from her was getting to
be too much.
These factors, along with several others, caused me to hit my limit, so I
decided to slowly introduce formula. We are currently at two bottles a day
and will work up to all bottles in the next few weeks.
I was very nervous about whether she would accept a bottle from me, and
the first attempt took almost an hour. She kept looking between the bottle
and my face as if to say, “Something just doesn’t add up here.”
But after the initial bottle was out of the way, she has been doing just
fine. And I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how similar bottle feeding is
to nursing. We can still cuddle and she looks at me with the same sleepy
eyes and makes the same satisfied little gulps and sighs.
Of course, moms are notorious for feeling guilty about anything and
everything. I go back and forth, numerous times a day (sometimes as many
times in an hour), swinging between wanting to be done with our nursing
relationship and feeling guilty about that desire.
Every time she gets sick, will I wonder if it was because she wasn't
exclusively breast fed for a full year? When she is finally completely
weaned, will I miss that first early morning feeding when she is at her
most cuddly? When she’s older, will she ask me why I nursed her older
sisters for several more months?
My husband asked me just the other day what I wanted
for Christmas. I really couldn’t think of anything, other than a “pie in
the sky” request of a new vehicle, as our van has decided that its sliding
doors don’t need to work all the time. But maybe this year for Christmas,
I’ll get the gift of some peace of mind that I’ve made the right decision
for both my baby and myself. After all, this third time around isn’t just
old hat – it’s new joys and doubts, too.
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